John D Manwell's Blog

The days of the week do go quickly, and the days become years, and sometimes it is worth looking back at what we have become through the years. I suppose we all feel that certain people have affected us, or even shaped us. My brother Geoffrey, with his innocent and trusting approach to people with his vulnerability, dependence and unique wit has been a powerful influence on me.

Seeing people as people:  I was about ten years old and pushing a double buggy with two of my siblings, cringing as people walking towards us stared at Geoffrey – who was then about eight. Geoffrey was a cheerful chap with little round glasses. He would stare pleasantly back at those looking at him, unaware of anything odd, while I wanted to hide myself, to avoid the embarrassed shame and awkwardness that I felt, but really could not explain. My father must have noticed my embarrassment and talked to me about the way people look at Geoffrey, and that they are the ones with the problem.

As his elder brother I had some sort of brotherly sense that I needed to help or support him. I remember one family holiday when I was about six, I decided that some solid one-to-one coaching would accelerate his learning, and I set about teaching him to count to a hundred. I failed through my own lack of patience. In addition to that, the strategy of me counting to a hundred with him repeating each number was probably flawed!

The event with the buggy was quite a turning point in my life, as previously I had not been particularly aware of how Geoffrey was looked at by others. From that event onwards, I started to try to remember my Dad’s wise perspective as I wrestled with my own insecurity when out with Geoffrey in public. Although I was struggling to grasp it at that young age, I look back and see that this was the start of me becoming aware of the fact that people who are awkward about disabled, handicapped or generally different, are the ones who need to change, not me or the less-able person I’m with. It was an important part of my growing up, and part of learning to love people equally. As I got older, I moved farther and farther away from being ashamed to be out with my brother or anyone that looks different, to being more and more proud of being with someone unique. Instead of silently thinking “Don’t look at me or us”, I have increasingly thought to myself “Yes, look at this interesting person who is with me!”

Instead of being concerned about how others were looking at Geoffrey and me, I began to be more careful to think about how I was viewing people – and accepting of differences. Now I love to be out with Geoffrey, and my internally voiced comment to others is, “You have no idea how good it is to be with this fellow – you are missing out if you don’t know him!”

Who is caring for whom?  In the 1960’s, Jean Vanier founded L’Arche Community in France – a small group of less-able people living in community with others who cared for them. The L’Arche community houses and activities replicated and multiplied around the world, and now number 147 communities in 35 countries.

A few years ago, Jean Vanier wrote a book of thoughts, experiences and wisdom that emerged from the lives and learning of these many small communities. One theme that he develops in his book Community and Growth: Our Pilgrimage Together was that many come into L’Arche households with a desire to serve those less-abled than themselves, but as they mature, it becomes clear that it is really the less-abled who have been assigned by God to teach and enable those who think that they are more able! 

Patience:  To spend time with Geoffrey and observe his ways is to watch a man with some special gifts and qualities. I sometimes wonder what he is thinking while he waits for an appointment or for one of us to be ready to go out. He seems to calmly wait for ages while others are delayed. He will sit and wait and look about himself, or draw shapes in the air with his finger. Seeing him wait when I am eager to get something done or to get to the next task or place, is quite a reminder of my own lack of patience and my seeming inability to wait without having to hurry other people, or find something to do while I wait. There is something of a great contentment within this man who doesn’t fill his thinking with long-term goals and doesn’t have a pressing need to ‘kill time’. He simply lives and waits when waiting is the necessary path. I have seen a great example of what the Bible says in the famous passage about love, “Love is patient”

Understanding gentleness:  We live in a culture that reduces gentleness to something soft and ineffectual. Geoffrey is a person whose very being knows no aggression. Having been alongside him for the past 54 years has shown me gentleness in a form that is an expression of innocence and an unassuming lack of exertion of personal power.

In my career to date, I have experienced many aspects of human power, whether through dominating managers or the manipulation of ambitious colleagues. There is the power and control that comes from having or not having financial resources, and the control that is exerted by knowledge and information: ‘who you know, and what you know’. To navigate life, we need to learn to navigate these pressures and influences, and I cannot claim to be faultless when talking about pressuring people to get my way or stepping beyond influencing people into manipulating them. I think that only a fool would imagine himself to be perfect in this aspect of relationships.

The reality is that these power structures and interactions occur in families, friendship groups, churches, clubs and everywhere. As I have travelled through life learning to deal with people, Geoffrey has been a powerful example to me of how to be a gentle person. His simple innocence was a reference point to me from early childhood and a constant reminder through teens and adulthood.

It is not as if he has no personal need to influence others, or that he never has an opinion to be voiced, but his method demonstrates gentleness, and insofar as I have learned from his example, I repeatedly see that Geoffrey has been a gift to me and those around him – to be our yardstick for gentleness as we experience the pull of circumstances to be anything but that. These are vital aspects of love, and Geoffrey has been a tutor to me.

The great leveller:  I have always been ambitious and look at life with an attitude of wanting to achieve, to get things done and to influence. Perhaps being the eldest of five siblings started me out with an assumption that I would be in charge! Going through life looking to better a career or to gain influence makes one alert to who has the power and who is the important person in the room. In a similar way to my description of Geoffrey’s gentleness, his lack of a personal need to be the leader means that he really isn’t relating to people in the room with a sense of the hierarchy. His personal intuition is really about emotional harmony between us all. In a world where there is pressure to be the smartest person in the room, or the most powerful, he brings a different perspective. In fact, he will often sense the person with most pain and, in a completely unassuming manner, will get alongside them – and where appropriate, comfort with a stroke of his soft hand or a gentle hug. 

Affection and the inability to retain tension:  It is a source of pleasant amusement when Geoffrey is ever stern or speaks back to anyone, usually in the context of a joke or banter. For example, I might comment that he has a strange look on his face, and he will reply with a cheeky retort, “You look like a strange monkey!” There follows a pause in which he does a mock grimace and shake of the head, but after a few moments he will ensure that everything is smoothed over with a stroke of his soft skinned hand and a soothing, “I do still love you John.” It seems that he cannot hold the tension or the emotional gap that occurs with any negative exchange – even when it is completely humorous!  This unassuming feature of the way Geoffrey relates to those around him is a constant reset in our thinking of how easily we let tension, argument or even schism develop and remain. Geoffrey has taught us that no gap can be tolerated for any amount of time that stretches beyond seconds. When it comes to smoothing tensions, forgiving and apologising, the way I behave is constantly in need of recalibration against his exceptional low tolerance for residual animosity!

9 O’clock shandy – Rhythm is more important than goals!  I began my account with reference to Geoffrey’s daily discipline of identifying the day of the week and then working from there. In fact, this methodical tracking of time and events typifies his rhythm of life. Our mother established discipline and order with a systematic way of life. The table was set in a certain way, vegetables were cut in specific shapes and sizes and the daily routine was disciplined around a predictable timetable. I suspect this was partly the way she was, but this way of life was influenced by living with Geoffrey who thrives on predictability. 

Now that he lives with us, we smile and gently tease him at times over his rigorous routine. He loves a coffee in the morning, and maybe another during the day, but after 4:00pm, coffee is replaced by tea. Later in the evening, he likes to have a glass of shandy (lemonade and beer mixture). If we try to offer it before 9:00pm, he is determined to wait – even for a few minutes – until the clock permits! He has learned to appreciate the value of living with order and anticipating a small pleasure. This is quite a challenging antidote to the prevailing culture, which is always rushing, always pressuring us to have what we want as soon as we want it. Waiting for the right time may be becoming a lost art, but Geoffrey moves steadily through life enjoying simplicity and rhythm. Living with his schedule and mile markers has been a notable counterbalance in my busy life of tasks, goals and pressure to get to the next thing.

The Movement Monitor:  In Geoffrey’s step-by-step approach to life management, he operates with a simple logic and unique type of memory. While he doesn’t have intellectual skills for mathematics or complexity, he lives life with clarity about the priority of his relationships, and none more than those of his family. He is one of five siblings. The siblings have spouses, and he is uncle to 16 nephews and nieces who have brought along three more spouses. After a call with one of my siblings he will report back what everyone is doing and where they are.

I have realised over time that Geoffrey maintains a clear mental map of who is where and what they are doing. There are so many things that we pay attention to in the world – political, economic, disasters, celebrity events, and so on. Geoffrey seems to have a special assignment to cut through all that complexity and conflict with the ultrasimple grid of his family and a few close family friends that he keeps in mind. When my head is full of competing priorities and the busyness of life, Geoffrey’s straightforward relationship-based worldview is a great correction to my tendency to let relationships slide.

The Affectionate Discerner:  Geoffrey has a remarkable sensitivity to those who are troubled or upset. He probably doesn’t analyze body language and slips of the tongue. I’m sure he doesn’t work out what is going on with people in the same way that I try to work everything out. He seems to simply know when someone is in difficulty, and he shows compassion without inhibition and quite simply. Often, he will not even inquire as to ‘Is there a problem?’ or ‘Are you ok?’ and he will go straight to giving a hug or stroking the person that he sees in need of affection!  In our cultural environment of safeguarding and appropriate physical contact, he comes with the advantage of pure innocence. There is a Bible verse that challenges us to “let your gentleness be evident to all” – as a manifestation of love. Whenever I see my brother freely being affectionate and meeting people’s needs in his uncomplicated and sensitive way, I know that he is really showing me another level of discernment and care. This is unassuming love in action!

Geoffrey, the money manager:  I believe that the way we relate to money is a big indicator of the way we love. In an amusing way, Geoffrey has given us a fresh perspective on money. He has always kept a small leather purse with his money in it. If he earned any money at the shelter employment where he worked, or if he received cash gifts from friends and family, he quickly drops it into that purse for secure protection. He keeps a tight control of where the purse is and is quite clear that the money in it is his. He grandly pulls it out to buy one of us a coffee or ice-cream on a day out. The purse has to be in his pocket, and he can tell you without looking how many five-pound and ten-pound notes he has in there.

Recently, we had to get an official letter to enable my wife and me to be permitted to manage his bank account, and the route to getting this letter was for the local practice doctor to assess whether Geoffrey was genuinely free and willing to give us permission to manage the account. In front of my wife the doctor asked Geoffrey if he was happy for John and Marie to look after his money. Without hesitation Geoffrey said, “No, I look after my own money, in my own purse!” The doctor explained in a different way and Geoffrey realized that we were talking about the bank. Of course, he’s not interested in the management of the bank money – and is more than happy for us to manage that account! In many ways Geoffrey reflects what we are all like. None of us really want the administration, but we like the spending!

I should also say that while Geoffrey keeps solid control of the location and contents of his purse, he is also super generous and loves to be the one to pay for the coffee or ice-cream. He’s a good example of being a reliable steward, but never lets that creep into being mean.

We don’t need to be the cleverest person in the room:  Thinking about Geoffrey’s daily routine reminded me of another way that he reflects us all, but without pretence or sophistication: He really loves quiz shows on TV, and a lot of times these shows are based on quite wide-ranging general knowledge questions. I was watching him as he intently followed one quiz program and saw his evident pleasure when the contestants got the answers right. I asked him if he knows the answers to the questions. His immediate response surprised and amused me, “No. But they do.” I realised that even the well-informed and seemingly intelligent among us are equally entertained by the flow of contestants responding under pressure. Knowing the answers is not necessary for the entertainment! That helped me feel less inadequate about my inability to answer the questions!

The gift to our family:  As I grew out of my childish sensitivity to other people looking at Geoffrey as unusual, when their stares made me feel awkward and insecure, I started to appreciate that this brother of ours is not our burden but our gift. On many occasions over the years, some friends of the family and some well-intentioned outsiders have made comments expressing sympathy for our situation. The implication has been that we have been unlucky in the gene lottery, and God may have been unkind in placing this less capable person in our care.

By now I am sure that I’m making it clear that this is not how we have experienced the companionship, love and wisdom of this delightful man. In fact, in giving this account of what I’m learning and how I’ve been shaped by him, I want to clearly report on how great a gift he has been. In choosing to treat Geoffrey as equal in our family, my parents set a course in our lives for us to treat people with dignity, whatever their capacity or contribution. With this attitude, Geoffrey has thrived in our family.  More than that, he has been an encourager, a channel of gentleness, a magnet for many great friends and probably the not-secret ingredient of our family cohesion. God richly blessed us with this brother. I have really come to see that, through Geoffrey, God has greatly enhanced the capacity and gifts within our family.

Often our ability to relax and love people and be content is limited by our insecurity and tendency to work everything out – to be sophisticated and assume that everything is complicated! In fact, Geoffrey is God’s gift to me and my family to see the world more simply and clearly.

The teacher of love:  When all is said and done, Geoffrey has been a great teacher of love to me over the course of my life. It’s not simply his behaviour or the challenge that he carries, but simply that he is eminently lovable! His artless presence and general innocence in any controversy makes him a gentle, kind, pleasant and easy to love fellow! Having him alongside through the course of my life journey has been a wonderful influence on me and many others. He has not only been appreciated, he has shown us all how to appreciate others. We need to know a person without guile to recognise our own duplicity. We benefit from knowing a simple person to counter our over-complication. I have gained awareness of my need for a healthy rhythm of life from someone who takes each day by name and as it comes.

As a family we love Geoffrey, and he has taught us to love in a special and somehow very ordinary way.

Post Script:  I wanted to read this to Geoffrey to get his opinion and permission for it to be published. I decided that I would let him comment and that I would close this essay with whatever he said.  Having read this out to him in the presence of my family, he looked around at us and smiled. To prompt him, my wife asked, “Well Geoffrey, what did you think?

He replied, “I think John did really well.”

Post post script: Geoffrey died following a short respiratory infection almost 4 years ago. Barely a week goes by when I don’t miss him. He was aged 58 and lived a full, cheerful and satisfying life. He richly informed and shaped my life and my siblings and many others would say the same. He was extraordinary in many ways and had capacities that are beyond me and many others. His DNA was not flawed. He was different.

This account of how Geoffrey influenced and shaped me is based on a chapter that I contributed to the book “Pain Taught me to Love” by Thomas P. Dooley, Mall Publishing Co, ISBN 978-1-934165-78-2